Fàilte gu Alba! Oh, sorry, that’s Gaelic for “what’s up Brandeisians!” I’ve been living in Scotland for two months now, so sometimes I just slip into the language haha. I’m basically a native at this point, but adjusting to a new country does have its challenges. During my semester abroad I have experienced many cultural shocks, such as the archaic infrastructure and surplus of sheep. No matter how long I stay here, I don’t think I’ll ever stop having to count on my fingers to translate military time. Some things here remind me of home though, like the nice Scottish Trump supporters I met on the train who insisted on sharing their pickled onion Monster Munch crisps with us. Yes! Crisps being Gaelic for chips of course, and monster munch meaning inconveniently shaped puffs, and pickled onion meaning gross. Here’s a picture:
These surprisingly tolerable monstrosities bring me to my topic for today’s entry. Food! Adjusting to the food in a country known for mushy peas and haggis has been a challenge. At first I thought it was impossible. But I am writing now to tell you that if you are hungry enough, anything will taste good. Below is a list of my most notable food observations in Scotland. Bon Appetite! (That is Gaelic for “my stomach hurts”).
Fruit
I have eaten at least one apple per day for the past two months. In the US, I almost never eat an apple unless it is sliced. Not because I am 5 years old, but because the apples of the USA are too big and too daunting. This is something I have complained about for my entire life. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I get to the UK and all they have are perfectly snack sized apples! By far not the best apples I’ve ever had, they are pretty average in taste, but I appreciate how petite they are. Similarly, I have noticed that there is an insane amount of seeds in every mandarin orange I have had since coming here. Why is that similar you ask? Because these British fruits have not been genetically modified like the enormous and seed-barren fruits of the USA. People from the UK love to mock us for our unhealthy chemical-ridden GMO fruits, and I have to say they may have gotten us here. UK: 1, USA: 0. But this isn’t over. The UK’s obsession with responsible food standards will be a recurring theme here.
These are really the only two fruits I’ve eaten cause that’s all they have in my dining hall at St. Andrews. I had a banana too I guess but it tasted the same.
Candy
This is where I have a bone to pick with the UK’s Food Safety Administration. Every American candy, soda, or snack product on UK soil has been noticeably altered. Mock me for being a stupid unhealthy American all you want, but I expect a certain amount of chemicals in my sweets to give it that special flavor. The FSA hates fun however, and so you will not find any Red 40 or similarly delicious food dyes on any UK store shelves. Coca-Cola doesn’t give you the same burn in the back of your throat here. Cadbury chocolate doesn’t have that sour Hershey’s aftertaste. Even the American chocolate they do have doesn’t maintain its flavor, the M&M’s I had yesterday tasted like they were made with REAL cocoa powder? As I write this, I am eating a bag of starbursts, and every time I unwrap one I am disappointed by the dull beige color of a candy made with real fruit flavoring. I miss jolly ranchers! And I don’t even really like jolly ranchers! I just like knowing that if I wanted to I could walk into any store and turn my tongue blue and break all my teeth.
One thing that the UK does have plenty of on the candy aisle is Haribo gummies. There is an endless supply of different variations of Haribo, and most of them are weird and bad. For some reason at the Sainsbury’s near St. Andrews the normal gummy bears are separated from all the weird ones, like these people actually prefer the “Starmix” pack. I will admit that one has grown on me. I like the gummy egg and the gummy root beer. I would buy a bag of just gummy root beer but they don’t have that. They do however have a bag of “twin snakes” and other silly bullshit if you’re into that kind of thing. No Sour S’Ghetti like in the US though. Sigh.
Fish and Chips
Fried fish, chips (french fries), and peas (mushy or not) with a side of tartar sauce and a lemon wedge. 10/10. Really playing to their strength with this one, three bland foods, yet together, it just works. I would say I’ll be sad to lose this when I go back to America, but it is so easy to replicate you really don’t need to come here to try it. It’s the same if you get it in Boston. Still, good work lads, it’s a wee bonnie dish (Scottish slang translating to: pretty good!). Actually better than pretty good, I could probably eat this every day. It’s the kind of food a picky toddler would probably enjoy. Who doesn’t love a plain butter noodle?
Haggis
The most infamous Scottish dish… The hotdog of the British isles… To quote Queen Elinor in the movie Brave: “It’s just a wee sheep’s stomach! It’s delicious!” Yes, haggis is a Scottish dish traditionally made of the bad parts of a sheep, oatmeal, and onions stuffed in a sheep’s stomach to boil. I don’t think they actually use the sheep’s stomach anymore because the smell was too bad (at least that’s what my study abroad liaison Hamish told me). As unappealing as that may sound, it’s actually pretty good. I liked it. It tastes kind of how you would expect I think, but not bad. It’s really just like eating a hot dog, if you don’t think about what it’s made of, it’s just meat. If you’ve had lamb before, it’s not really like that. I give it a 9/10, I’m feeling generous. I can only imagine that back in the day in the highlands, coming home and seeing your mom has the sheep stomach out must have been the exact opposite of seeing your mom bring out the crockpot today. If you are passing through Scotland I definitely recommend!
Digestives & Biscuits
I got a little upset about the candy earlier, but one thing they really have mastered here is the art of the cookie, or as they call it here for some reason, a biscuit. Scotland actually invented the digestive biscuit, a cookie that helps with digestion, supposedly. They have those things everywhere, I actually haven’t had any. My digestion is fine. But that is just one of billions of types of cookies they have here. A personal favorite of mine is Jammie Dodgers, which I’ve been eating for years. If you get the chance, I suggest taking the train to Concord and going to their British candy store to pick some up while you’re at Brandeis. They also have these things called tea cookies and it’s like a shortbread base with a shit ton of marshmallow fluff on top covered in chocolate like some kind of inside out smore. Incredible invention! This is the land of tea and biscuits, so I expect nothing less from them. Truly revolutionary innovations happening in the UK for the cookie industry.
Potatoes
I am using this as a platform to declare my undying hatred for potatoes. I hate them so so so much. Every single meal in the dining hall here is served with fucking potatoes. Who plucked a gross starchy lump out of the ground, took a bite, and thought, “wow this is really great lets come up with 800 different ways to cook these and they’re all bad”? FUCK. YOU. But unfortunately, even though potatoes have been embraced by Ireland and Scotland, the Americas are really to blame for potatoes. UK: 0, South America: -1
Indian food
For very unfortunate reasons, there is a lot of really good Indian food in the UK. I will actually be devastated to lose this when I go home, but I am trading it for the complete lack of good Mexican food. And okay this isn’t Indian but there’s a shawarma place nearby that I go to almost every weekend that is probably better than any shawarma I’ve had before. I guess the reason for good Middle Eastern food is probably just as unfortunate as the Indian food though. Well, if you’re ever in Scotland and want seasoned food, I suggest visiting any Indian restaurant you stumble across, they are all good.
Toastie
Last on the list is the glorified British grilled cheese. A toastie is just a sandwich that they heated up. It can have anything on it, the other day I had one that was pickle, ham, cheese, and onion or something like that. It was pretty good but made my stomach hurt a little but that could’ve been from the coffee I had with it. This is another thing that the UK does really well that you can also get anywhere in America. But I will say I have seen some pretty crazy sandwiches here that I don’t think the American mind could comprehend. I had a really good one this morning that they called a “boxing day” toastie. It was ham, turkey, cheese, chutney, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Basically Thanksgiving dinner toasted between two slices of bread! It was really good I love all of those things and I would have never thought to put cranberry sauce on a sandwich but I loved it. Another win for the UK! Nothing impressive, but charming. I will honestly probably be upset that I can’t find any cranberry sauce sandwiches back in the US.
So, if you are coming to the UK expecting good cuisine, you can at least expect it to be better than what is served in the Sherman dining hall! If you disagree with me on any of my opinions you are wrong and you can email me and I will tell you why you’re wrong. If you are Scottish and I have offended you I do not care. Tune in for future Brandeisian Girls Abroad content!
